MSN recently published 12 smart things every father should teach his kids, which I think is dumb, because a) Top 12 lists are lame and b) it doesn’t tell kids what they really need to know.

Here’s the advice a good father should dispense (to his son).

1) Date a Stripper

This gives you instant street cred. When your son asks you why you’re qualified to give advice on girls, you can tell him you used to date a girl who made out with, what else, other girls, after she got done listening to Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls.”

Then, explain to him that dating a stripper is a lot like getting a hole in one. It makes you an instant celebrity around your buddies.

P.S. I said date her. I didn’t say screw her. If that happens, I can’t help you. And neither can Herpicide. 

2) Experiment with Drugs

The most messed up people I know are the ones whose parents pretended like drugs and alcohol don’t exist. They started drinking at 23, and by 30, they had tried every drug possible and were now reduced to injecting cold medicine to get high. And yes, by “they” I mean “me.”

So take time out. Extended yourself. Start your son off as early as possible on booze and pills. By the time he’s 20, he’ll either be done with it, or be a total coke head. So there’s a 50% chance he’ll turn out fine. I like those odds.

3)  Get Arrested

Girls like bad boys. Especially strippers. Plus, felonies are like facial hair – they give you character. And a sore butt, but that’s beside the point. Let’s not get preoccupied with minor details.

4) Steal Something

Trust me, when your sons grows up and he’s sitting around drinking beer and eating wings with the boys, he’s not going to be telling a story about the time he got a 3% raise that barely covered inflation. He’s going to talk about the time he walked out of Sears with a lawn mower when he was 12, let go of it at the top of a hill, and watched it crush Mr. Adderberry’s Cutlass Supreme.

5) Get in a Fight

Life is too short to act civilized. Teach your son that a swift punch to the middle of the temple is more efficient than long-winded rationalizations attempting to explain your position. America was founded on muscle, not Haiku.

Remember, the guy who said the pen is mightier than the sword got stabbed with it.

6) Refuse to Vote

Deciding not to decide is still a decision. Write that down.

Besides, whomever we put in office will fuck it up. Republicans? Democrats? They all suck. Teach your son that our founding fathers didn’t give up the freedom to vote for who we like, they gave us the freedom not to vote for who we dislike. And we dislike everyone, except for that one Obama guy, but that’s two years away.

So teach him to rage against the machine by writing in “Spongebob Squarepants.”

7) Get Fired

Nothing is al cool as walking out and asking “So who’s coming with me??!!” followed by your secretary grabbing her belongings. And you want your son to be cool, right?

Lie

A girlfriend once asked me if she looked fat in a particular tight pair of pants. I told her no, even though they made her thighs look a little big. Why? Because I’d rather have my pants be on fire than not have sex for the next two weeks.

Lying = Good. Telling the truth = a kick in the nuts. Do you want your son to get kicked in the nuts?
 
9) Eat a Shitload of Candy

No one ever goes to their grave saying “I wish I would have eaten more carrots.” Except bunny rabbits. And well, bunny rabbits are pussies. Big ones.

10) Don’t Challenge Yourself

Taking risks and putting yourself in uncomfortable positions in an effort to grow just makes you feel icky and stuff. There’s nothing wrong with complacency. Doing just enough to get by eliminates scary surprises that lead to hurt and disappointment.

It starts at the top, too. This is something you can teach. If the roof over his bed starts leaking, fix it – after the big football fame.