Here’s the new home. As you can see, the dogs, especially Clementine, are tickled pink to be living in the country.

I have a feeling they’re throwing parties when I’m not home. One vase looks like it’s been glued back together and the living room smells like Snausages and urine.

Like Lloyd and Harry, I’m doing it. I’m really doing it.  

I am a creature of habit. I say habit because I like to order the same sandwich at Subway every single time I eat there. I say creature, because, well, I’m 6′5″. Being a creature of habit has a lot to do with why I moved. I noticed that in my last two years or so in Phoenix, everything became a habit.

I grew comfortable, but I don’t say that in a good way, as in, this couch is really comfortable. Or as in, “She’s just so comfortable to be around.” I mean it in a way that I grew complacent and weary of change.

I became Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day. Every day I saw the same friends, woke up to the same sun, did the same things at work, and fell into (more…)

People, I’m moving. That’s the big announcement. Tomorrow is my last day at my present place of employment. I have four days to finish packing up all my belongings because Sunday, I’m leaving Phoenix.

For Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

I’m answering a lot of questions from friends regarding this decision, especially those in Phoenix, so I decided I would address theirs (and yours) with a question and answer session.

Q: Are you fucking crazy?
A: I’m not sure. I’ve never been tested. (more…)

Keith says:
btw, what ever happened with your girl?

Keith says:
is she moving in?

Shrek says:
not sure. we didn’t really talk about it.

Shrek says:
but she did bring a huge bag of clothes over. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa does that mean she’s moved in?

Keith says:
she did?

Shrek says:
and toiletries. (more…)

“I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”

- Meatloaf

“I like you a lot, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting you put your finger up my butt.”

- Mr. Pinkerton

I’ll never understand those ads that use a celebrity to pitch a product, or worse, just the person’s voice. Now, there are exceptions. Using Michael Jordan to pitch Nike makes sense. He’s an athlete. They sell athletic merchandise. I get it. There’s a tie-in.

But a few nights ago, I heard an ad for, well, I don’t fucking remember. Why don’t I remember? Because the ad used Kiefer Sutherland as its voiceover, and instead of focusing on the product, which again, escapes me, my mind cycled through all these thought processes attributed to his voice.

Something like this:

Is that Keifer Sutherland’s voice? (more…)

You wanted a picture of the Horse Whisperer. Well, you got it. Well, sort of.

If you used to read IRONPANTS, you’ll remember some of the snippers recounted below. But the whole saga has never been told. Until now.

I met German Girl out at a bar. She was the first girl I dated seriously after moving to Arizona. She was seeing someone at the time, which was why she turned me down for a date when I called her. Not once, but twice. A few nights later, she called me and we got together for a drink at a sports bar near our apartments. I thought she was disinterested. So did she. Not so much. We ended up spending the next 30 days together, every day. We didn’t miss a single one.

Ours was a typical romance story. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl both make mistakes and hurt each other. Boy and girl decide that they think there is something worth saving so they try and make it work. (more…)

Pictures of the Horse Whisperer. Friday. I promise.

I wanted to wait around this ride for the owner to see if he’d sell me his car for a few hundred bucks. Kick ass.