You people aren’t stupid. You see J’s comments and infer that we’re talking. We’ll, you’re right. We are.

This post elicited some emails from her, which prompted responses from me, which led me to reconsider how fairly I was treating her.

Humility is a tough act. You can’t be humble one minute and not the next. Just like standing on a phone book to reach a can of soup on the top shelf of your cupboard doesn’t make you tall, showing humility in one situation and not the next doesn’t make you a humble person. (more…)

The gossip mags have been calling. They all want to know what happened with J. I’m sure you do too. 

J and I haven’t been friends since the disengagement, but the winds were slightly blowing that way the past month or so. We weren’t talking regularly, but I believed that her willingness to now communicate on some level was an indication that she had let her anger towards me go. 

“Maybe she’s willing to chalk this up to two people simply not being right for one another,” I thought. (more…)

I still haven’t sold it. Hell, I haven’t even looked at it since J and I split. Why? Because I don’t have it. I couldn’t actually stomach acually seeing it transfer from her hand back to mine, so when she said she would just bring it back to the jeweler, I said “OK.” This was months ago. I forget it exists, until every now and then I come across that jeweler’s phone number while going through my phone book searching for a contact.

I called my guy there back in January. In a way, that phone call was just as difficult to the one I made to each of parents, when I told them we had called off the engagement.

Jeweler: “Are you sure it’s not going to work out?” (more…)

I took my laptop in to get repaired last week because the power cable wouldn’t connect to the laptop so, well, I couldn’t power my labtop.

I got it back this weekend. I fired it up, and noticed that when it was sent in for repair, they did a reinstall and wiped the hard drive clean. Fair enough. They asked me if I wanted to do a backup. I said no. I had all my mp3’s on an external drive along with anything else that seemed remotely important.

Wait. No I didn’t! The fucking pictures! You have to be kidding me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Most of the pictures J and I ever took were on there. The trip home to MN. Gone. The trip to Belize. Gone. The house. Gone. Her. Gone. Us. Gone. (more…)

“Everybody and everything I’ve known, never taught me how to stand up on my own. Had to learn it from the one who let me go … guess you had to step away to make me want to be, a bigger man, a bigger man than that.”

I haven’t written about J and I much. My memories of her were too close for me to see, and much too intense for me to focus on. I knew some day I would have to suffer through writing this. That day is today.

This is the end of us, or at least how I remember it.

Christmas night, J and I spoke on the phone. She told me she thought we should move on. I protested. While I knew I needed to move out, which I did in mid-December, I knew I (more…)

This comment made by FilanMonet in response to this paragraph below that I typed describing my book got me thinking:

“It’s a book about growing up in a divorced home, being raised by a obsessive-compulsive depressive mother, and how all this led to being who I am. Hint: withdrawn, independent and afraid of bonding, although we’re changing that. I imagine the latter part of the book will focus on how I’m trying to shed the indifference and bitterness I developed as a kid. It’s about realizing what got me to where I don’t want to be, and how I can get somewhere else. It sounds horribly depressing but it’s part humor too.”

(more…)

To keep anyone who’s interested in the loop, it’s time I updated this J cheat sheet I posted when I first started this blog:

Is this the person that I thought she was? Yep.
Do I honestly believe that it’ll always be she and me, me and her? Probably not.
Is it exactly what I thought it would be? Not quite.
Was it worth it? Yes.
Do I love her? More than I could ever explain.
Have I learned anything from this: Overwhelmingly, yes.

I spent my New Year’s Eve first at church to start the night, and then at my pastor’s house to bring in 2006. At church, he mentioned that an extra second was added to 2005 to make up for the slowing down of the Earth’s rotation. Called a “Leap Second,” it happens every years - the last being 1998.

He posed the question, “What Would You Do With That Extra Second? We didn’t answer out loud, so I answered the question in my head without hesitation.

I would tell J, “I love you.”

What would you do with your extra second?

“What happened with you and J” is what everyone wants to know so perhaps I need to bring everyone up to speed on where J and I are at.

I moved out about three weeks ago back to my old house. J is still in the house we bought. I moved out because we weren’t getting along and we decided it was the right move to make. J was never comfortable living together, so regardless of whether we continued to date, being in seperate spaces was important.

Right now, we’re not dating. Having said that, I steal a few lines from the Blue Shoe Diaries to give additional insight (with some ad libbing):
(more…)

It’s me. It’s really me. For those of you that read ironpants.blogspot.com, it’s good to see you. For those of you that didn’t, you’ll probably want to pick through that site because it will help you make sense of all the people and places I will be alluding to on this new site.

So why the new site? Because. Since I last posted on April 9, 2005, a lot has changed. I lost my fiance (J), my dream house and my dream job. I’m not here to complain. I’m here to offer up for observation an analysis of my life that I’ll be undertaking. I will still be funny. I promise. But I will also be frighteningly honest. This blog will be written with a much greater sense of maturity. If that turns some of you off that enjoyed my writing (more…)